i just knocked the scab off my elbow

…and it reminds me that i’m alive. in THIS MOMENT and THIS MOMENT alone, i’m alive. i bleed. i feel pain. i erupt with joy.

i’m not typically “emotional”. but this week i’ve cried six out of seven days. it’s that battlefield in my mind between safety and freefall. (i suppose not much is really a freefall. we’re american after all.)

one part is looking forward to the freedom, adventure, excitement. i’m LONGING for freshness…new countries, new people, new experiences. i’ll live from a bag and have no posessions weighing me down. turtles really have it figured out, guys. 🙂 i’m looking forward to the disasters almost as much as the good days. after all, they typically make the best stories. i need to be re-ignited. when i’m safe i feel aimless, but when i’m up in the air i have direction. all else falls away and i have one goal: love. this conventional life drains me and saps my joy. i think i was created as a nomad…destined to have no earthly home because it will distract me from the hope of my future home. i’m filled with purpose when i have no schedule…when i can be led by whatever comes my way. that’s when i find god’s face in everything. i lose myself in the depth of the love with which he created this earth. i am small and he is infinite.

but then the other side whispers: you’ll be alone. you’ll miss a chance…a chance at solidity, at companionship, at sucess, at safety. you’ll “fail”.

i’m packing. i’m giving away and throwing away half of my belongings and storing the other half at a friend’s house for four months. i’m leaving this place and i’ll come back changed. but right now – in this moment – my elbow is bleeding and i’m scared.

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lenticular?

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Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.
-Kahlil Gibran

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