about time

it´s about time. it´s been a month and i´m finally beginning to understand why i´m here in the first place. “why not?” just wasn´t cutting it anymore. it´s interesting though…i didn´t question why i was here until after i started recieving answers to the unformed question.

i never really came home last spring – of that i´m certain. i loathed the idea of going back to the states…and perhaps i was actually supposed to have stayed. who knows. but the fact is that physically, at least, i did go back…and i left my heart behind somewhere in italian language, food, culture and landscape. or perhaps i left it simply in the romantic idea of europe….or even “not-USA”.

my return to italy was precisely what i needed (only in retrospect mind you) in order to find and re-claim my affections. conversations over beer with the mediterreneian as our backdrop….fly-on-the-wall opportunities to observe friends and families….time to theorize on exactly why the culture is what it is. i can no longer settle for “that´s just italy for you” or “they´re just italian…” i´m starting to catch glipses of cause and effect. the glossy facade is melting and revealing a much more raw, sometimes disappointing, reality. don´t get me wrong…it´s still absolutely beautiful, but beautiful in a much deeper and more meaningful way.

no longer enchanted simply by being away, í´m desperate to be known. i hdan´t realized it until i ran into johnni in pisa. we picked up right where we left off the last time we saw each other over christmas. that´s the way it works with friends as deep as her. to know and be known. to love and be loved. i had no idea how dead i was becoming spending a day with this person, a week with the next. language barriers create a difficult position for depth. ánd until i´m convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone wants to hear what i have to say….i keep my mouth shut.

i miss my friends. i miss my family. all the sudden i can´t wait to wake in the same bed, eat breakfast, drink a coffee, read god´s word. i´m unearthing desires that sounds frighteninly like “i want to finish my degree” “i want to stay still” “i want something constant” “i want a companion”.

of course i´m having an amazing time. it´s beautiful here. i´m meeting so many incredible people and getting to spend time with ones i haven´t seen in far too long. but, naively, i thought the chaos in my head would fall neatly in line once i got away. instead it´s been a desperately needed opportunity to untangle the mess.

and it took me flying across the ocean to gauge the thickness of the cords that tie me to my friends. you guys are beyond wonderful. thank you for overlooking my insecurites and my selfishness. and some of you…thank you for pointing them out in me and loving me anyways.

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lenticular?

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Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.
-Kahlil Gibran

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