grace

today is one of those gray days. the kind that have a tendency to rest my soul whether i think i need it or not. my contemplative spirit yawns and stretches and asks my automatic smile to relax for a bit. that’s not to say my happiness is a front – not in any sense of the word. it’s just that sometimes my joy gets in the way of thinking things through. Sometimes i’m so excited about life that i get caught in perpetual movement and forget to reflect on the consequences – good and bad – of these motions. It’s all part of that delicate balance I’m learning…albeit slowly.

any time i slow, the first thought that surfaces is, “wow. i’m going to barcelona for two months. where i know not a soul.” well, i have friends of friends there…but most live a bit out of the city. i’m sure i’ll make friends in my language courses. i’m sure i’ll make friends quickly – it’s never been a problem before. it’s just that i haven’t done something like this in awhile.

when i sent out on this adventure a month and a half ago it wasn’t the same adventure. it was an excuse to leave north america – something i’ve been keeping my eye out for for over a year. and it was a chance at love…so i guess it was, in part, for a boy – not that there’s anything wrong with that. we risked a bit and he pulled back. that’s ok. i don’t want anything the other person (boy, girl, sister, brother, parent) can’t give freely and joyfully. he’s a beautiful person and i’m so glad he stepped into my life. however, now he’s stepped back out and simply left me with this plane ticket and two months in barcelona. that’s my silver lining. 🙂 it’s simply going to be a little different “plugging in” process alone than it would have been joining him in the city to meet all of his wonderful friends.

different – not better or worse.

before last weekend i would have said that i’m sad for the way it turned out. that i can find all the good in it (as i noted a few blogs ago), but that i wish it would have been another way. this weekend i had a short chat with ben loveday in the kitchen where so much of their community happens (i think that place is magical somehow). he was talking about how people sometimes initially get together for somewhat surface reasons – things they have in common, goals they have, etc. but now he is married with five beautiful children and the things he and bonnie had in common (like their love for music) are much less important than their general daily approach to life and to each moment as it takes place. it gave me peace in the fact that i want to give my heart to someone who, when hardship comes, he doesn’t back out and hybernate to “do it alone”, but instead he shares and presses on…in his wisdom he digs through the tough things and is unashamed of them.

i can force that on no one. i can’t change a mind, a heart, a soul. but i can choose which one i’d like to be yoked to…and which one will raise my children and help show them that the point is love – the kind that is continually humbling oneself to their friends, their enemies, and also to themselves. we’re all flawed. we all make mistakes. life in a constant waterfall of grace is the only one i’m capable of.

so – all that to say (i think). i’m a bit nervous for the new trip that has landed in my lap in one rapid succession, but most of that nerve has its roots in excitement for a new season.

onwards on this journey with no destination besides learning to love. again and again.

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lenticular?

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Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.
-Kahlil Gibran

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