i vent. i post. i’m done.

i’ve been thinking about reputations and the images we portray to the world. of course, the fact that we DO portray an image is inevitable. and the fact that that image is probably far different from our core is also undeniable….after all we’re far more complex than an hour, a week, or even a lifetime’s worth of moments spent with someone.

the fear of being ‘found out’ is quite real amongst all that. i quite quickly – and without realizing it – become a slave to my good reputation. it’s not that i’m forced to keep up a “nice” front or fake serving and loving and being joyful. it’s more that i know my depths. i KNOW when i have to push past my own selfishness to love. And I know how rotten and destructive my internal dialogue can be.

i become uncomfortable when people start heaping praise upon me – for whatever reason it may be. perhaps because i know i can improve in each and every area…a talent, a skill, an effort. i despise that idea of people watching me, or putting myself in the limelight – because i feel like it’s an attempt to say that these few minutes or hours are the real me.

stages frighten me, microphones are terrifying, even putting on makeup is a feat for me. all of these things begin a dialogue. they state: “look at me.” or at the very least, they say: “i am aware that people are looking at me.” and as soon as you ask someone to look at something, they begin to form opinions. and if it’s something you’re aware people are going to look at and form opinions, then it implies that you’re happy with what you are presenting.

and the truth is that i’m quite comfortable in my own skin. with my own mind. with my own actions. but i also know i have much to learn and much to improve. thankfully i know grace and peace – and that sometimes things come slowly and that it’s all a matter of the heart.

i find that i’m often very openly critical of myself. ESPECIALLY when people start to heap on the compliments. someone says, “calais is a GREAT cook!” and i immediately (and very honestly) start denying the fact. because the truth is – i’m NOT! the truth is that i love love love to experiment and i love love love to feed people. and when none of my friends cook very often, it seems i get labeled with the “chef” title. but, on the flip side, i know their compliment is genuine and so i struggle to accept it with grace.

it’s like life is so much easier if i can just word-puke all of the terrible parts of me. and as soon as they’re all laying out there on the pavement at my feet….THEN…..THEN i can be comfortable with the way people think about me. so long as they understand that i’m just as much a sinner as anyone else (and i DO mean anyone – the saint, the murderer, and everyone between) then i am comfortable.

perhaps it’s why i hate surface socializing. parties. receptions. big gatherings. things where people aren’t able to get to know one another, but instead spend time having the same 3 minute conversation over and over and never break the surface. the problem is that often, (here comes honesty that’s hard to admit) it seems people are easily impressed with my surface. people hear i travel, or i met such-and-such it italy, or that i’m moving to spain, or that i make art, or that i like to cook, yada yada yada….and because things are DIFFERENT they are impressive. but the truth is i HAVENT traveled all that much yet, and that my art certainly isn’t the best – it’s just a way to express things that can’t be done in words, and that i’m only just learning how to cook by trial and error. but those aren’t the sort of points you can get across in three minutes at a loud party when what people really want to know is your name, where you’re from, and what you do for work.

I’m not as frustrated as this blog makes it seem. These are simply ramblings and an attempt to understand what my issue is about people thinking i’m “cool”. so much pressure. i’m not! i’m simply NOT cool! ha!

i wish we could just stop comparing and contrasting themselves with everyone else. i wish we could all just be us and not question motives and just DO.

i vent. i post. i’m done.


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Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.
-Kahlil Gibran

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