merely thinking

so i´ve been thinking about purpose. short and longer term. i´ve been talking a lot (and thinking even more) about the purpose of this trip in general. up to this point i´ve been challenged by learning how to serve the people i meet in the short times i´m given with them and with the barrier of words on top of that. and while i still think that´s massively important, i´m realizing it´s not enough. you can´t just go on loving faces, and it´s quite difficult to love a heart in 20 minutes or an hour.

i´m really missing community. working together with people. being annoyed, frustrated, and extatic with people. working through problems together. knowing the difficult things that are happening in their lives as well as the great ones…and them knowing the same about me. it´s funny…the last time i traveled alone i said, “it was great and i´m glad i did it, but i´ll never do it again.” ummm…it only took me two years to think i´m smarter than myself?? unbelievable!!

anyway, because the camino necessetates day after day alone, i´m considering changing plans, but i want, first, to really examine my reasoning. i want to be sure that it´s an epiphany of wisdom and humility (i´m definitely going to have to learn to drop my pride when someone asks why i didn´t finish)…or if it´s really just me looking for an excuse to give up something that´s physically taxing. there must be a tad bit of that in there somewhere.

on top of that, i´ve been thinking about this entire trip…how i ended up here and the plans formulating in my head for the “next step”. i´m so easily side-tracked by seemingly-adventurous plans. write a guide book in english for the camino (because one doesn´t really exist). teach english in spain for a year. i could rationalize the good in every plan i´ve made – tell you that the purpose is to save money, learn spanish, and then go to work in an orphanage for a year in latin america.

but these last few days have been a slap in the face. WHY DO I THINK GOING TO WORK IN AN ORPHANAGE IN LATIN AMERICA REQUIRES FIRST A TRIP TO SPAIN?!?! unbelievable. it´s like i get an idea that i like and forget there´s any other option. i can easily save enough money at home to get to south america and there are plenty of orphanages there that will house and feed me free of charge if i commit for a year. and living in south america i´m GOING to continue learning spanish. duh.

anyway, i´m still trying to figure it out. i have to go to santiago at some point, anyway, because i shipped some of my stuff there to pick up at the end. but do i hop on a train and then head to Somo, Zarautz, or Italy where I have friends and something to invest in? i´m not sure yet, but i have to decide soon.

i want to be sure that what i´m doing is genuinely moving towards my life purposes and not just a rationalized and sugar-coated version of it. it´s so easy for me to trick myself. i´m so glad that the answer often comes from just stopping. being calm and listening to the peace that already exists inside of me. oh man…i couldn´t do this alone.

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lenticular?

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Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.
-Kahlil Gibran

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