beneath the story

the last few months i’ve been disecting emotions and feelings (when i’m of the mind to do so, which is more rare than i hope for in the future).  when i’m annoyed i stop and try and figure out why – what’s the real issue here?

the other day i caught myself barking to my sister about my dad’s cleaning lady.  how, when, and why did it become so important that i brought it up again later?  i was telling her how annoyed i was that she doesn’t seem to catch the social cues when you’re trying to end a conversation and leave the room or leave the house.

she just. keeps. talking.

i heard myself tell my sister, “it’s something that really bugs me about people!  how can she not see that after talking for 15 minutes she’s now followed me to the door, watched me put both boots on and get my keys out…i’ve stood holding the door handle for a good minute and she’s still inching towards me starting new conversations?”

and that’s when it hit me:  i’m not annoyed at her for talking.  i’m annoyed because when i’m in these situations…

i.  feel. rude.

i feel rude that i’m cutting her off.  i feel rude because there are times that i literally pretend i don’t hear her yelling at me as i run through the kitchen to go snag something from my room.  i avoid her when she’s in the house and i’m busy.  i’m a rude person when i’m around her.  and THAT is what gets under my skin.  she forces me to recognize the ugliness in me – it has nothing to do with her.  the story beneath the story.  it almost always comes back to, “when something like this happens,  I. FEEL….. ”

i want to become a person who’s much more concerned about she feels.  sometimes it just doesn’t feel like i’m progressing, but moving more fully into that me me me.  it’s a slow process, apparently.


1 Response to “beneath the story”

  1. 1 yuck « out on a walk Trackback on January 26, 2010 at 2:13 pm

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Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.
-Kahlil Gibran

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