i’m scared

i’m almost always analyzing myself, but lately i’ve been checking and re-checking in on myself trying to figure out what i missed.

i feel dull.  not like i’m-on-the-edge-of-something-great dull…just dull.

i talked to my older sister on the phone today and it sounds like we’re both living with full full schedules lately.  and we’re both fighting it.  i postulated that it’s because our family has always operated with so much spontenaity:  we like doing stuff all the time…but just not planning it.  knowing you’re busy for the next four thursdays in a row is so claustrophobic.

but when it all comes down to it, i’m scared.  of a lot of things.  of having too much to do and simultaneously of having not enough to do.  of having too little money.  of having too much money and spending it poorly.  of not accomplishing enough.  of doing too much and not being present for any of it.  of missing out on a grander picture because i’m too encapsulated in the moments.  of being known.  of not being known.  i’m scared of disappointing people.  of not being impressive to people.  of being loved.  and probably mostly…of not being loved.

i guess that’s something that ties us all together.  which is sort of comforting in some way.


1 Response to “i’m scared”

  1. 1 Wiloe Ann April 19, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    Well Calais, If you can believe it….we are planning our Kindergarten graduation ceremony. The children have chosen the theme and it is “rainbows”. I thought of your new roommate. They will be singing “The Rainbow Connection” and one other song. Hugo will teach them a dance. If you are out here in June, we would love to see you at the ceremony. We still miss you after all this time. You make me happy with your fabulous blog. I have been really down in the dumps lately and when I read your blog I can take a breath and shut the heck up. I am totally not thinking out of the box now and I need help. SEND HELP ! Really….hope that you are well. You are still appreciated. xo Wiloe

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Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children.
-Kahlil Gibran

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